Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Time is passing by too slowly...

I can't remember the last time I felt this way. I rarely perceive time in slow motion lol. I'm not really sure why I'm feeling this way. I mean, I wonder if it's something positive or negative, because I'm having mixed feelings about my life and future, and I can't tell what kind of feelings dominates. Positive or negative.

Time really feels slow these days. I wonder if I can do more with it, since it's taking its time ^^; or if now I get older just as slowly as it goes.

Anyway, merry Christmas everyone, and good night. ☆

Taken last Christmas in Rotana resort in Salalah 

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

The point of publishing my first novel

that was written when I was 19-20 years old:

That was really my first intention when I decided to publish my novel. HOWEVER, no body has ever contacted me to tell me "OMG Mona we think in the same way. Let's be friends!" Failed endeavour. lol

If you turn out to have the same way of thinking as me, I'm sure you can be a true friend of mine, because I can be a true friend of yours. I'm positive about that :)

Monday, 12 December 2016

Where to find copies of my first novel?

copies of my novel for my last signing event

الكثير ممن التقيت بهم يسألوني من أين يمكن أن يحصلوا على نسخ من روايتي وردة السلطان. للأسف دائما ما أقول لهم بأنها متوفرة فقط في بعض المكتبات في مسقط مثل مكتبة مسقط ومكتبة ورفوف وكذلك مكتبة عبري. أما بالنسبة لظفار فأقول لهم لا أعلم إن كانت متوفرة في مكان  وما في ظفار. يجدون غرابة في ذلك بما أني مؤلفة الرواية ولدت ونشأت في ظفار ومع ذلك فالرواية ليست متوفرة هنا. أقول لهم بأني سأسعى لإحضار الرواية إلى المكتبات في ظفار. ^^ للأسف أنا لم أسع إلى ترويج الرواية بشكل جيد وكثيرا ما أنسى أمرها ههه. سأخبركم حال توفر الرواية في ظفار

Many people who knew me in person asked me where they can get copies of my novel. You can find my novel in a number of local bookstores in Muscat (like Muscat Bookstore and Rufoof Bookstore) I think it's also available in Ibri Library.

Most of the people who ask me where to find my novel are actually from Dhofar, the governorate I belong to. Unfortunately I alwasy have to say in response: I do... not.. know. Then they would say how come a novel authored by a Dhofari woman is not available in Dhofar?

Honestly I didn't really work on promoting my novel, but I promise to try to bring it to the bookstores in Dhofar. I will let you know of any store in Dhofar where you can get a copy of my novel.

Wednesday, 7 December 2016

It is hard to find a true friend here!

It really is if this is how you define it:
It simply means that a true friend will let you be yourself and never ever judge you. This is the kind of friend I'm looking for, and I'm 99% sure that I will never find it around here. 

I know someone who will come to me if they want to talk to someone. Of course I listen to them and never judge them. I have no doubts that I'm very open minded (at least compared to the typical kind of people in my hometown). However, when I need to talk to somebody and I decide to talk to them, they start judging me, making me feel uncomfortable about myself. 

This is really annoying. I mean it really hurts. Sometimes I wonder for how long I can keep myself together. Please don't think that I'm bragging or something, but I do think that my way of thinking is very different from most people here. Many many people have asked me if I was raised and educated in Muscat, since they get the vibe that I don't act and talk like a typical Dhofari young woman lol. Some others actually thought I got my schooling in Europe lolol. I was raised and educated in Dhofar. I did only my BA in Muscat. 

It's funny how I confuse people with my personality lol. I remember some people at University ask me if I'm a foreigner (Saudi, Egyptian, Jordanian, etc). It's all because of my personality and how I behave.

Since people would say those things to me, you can guess how lonely I feel sometimes. Lol. The feeling that you don't fit in a place or time, is one of the worst feelings ever. 

I may sound pessimistic to say that I'm sure that I won't find a true friend here, but I can't help but think it's true lol. I don't really want to explain why I think there's about zero possibility to find that unjudgemental true friend. 

Today I found myself fantasising about having a true friend lol.  I'm on the edge of mental breakdown and I'm looking for things to help me out. I wish i could find a friend.  Only one person I can open up to will be enough. 

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

*The Monated World*

I don't know if you can guess what I mean by 'Monated'. This is a past form of a verb derived from the word 'Mona' which means... guess what!

Me! lol.

Example: Haters gonna hate, and I say Mona's gonna monate.

Please don't say that I'm self-centred or something like that. It's my Monated blog.

Just a few minutes ago I had a small discussion with my sister about my taste in clothes and the things I wear. Of course my sister think my taste is a bit weird. I won't call it weird though. It's really normal but I am more daring to dress what I like and be myself. Of course that is only possible at home. Outside the house I'm supposed to wear the black Abaya and Sheila  (hijab) and niqab (black face covering piece).

At my workplace, some co-workers used to call my office a Wonderland. It wasn't really a compliment but I felt happy to know that I managed to make my depressing work environment a bit different. Many employees liked my office actually.

Anyways... I am the youngest among those I frequently work with. The youngest one of them is about 8 years older than me. So I understand why they would call my office a Wonderland lol. I just don't have a choice lol.

I should be sleeping now. Good night.

Salalah beach

Taken by me yesterday. 

Sunday, 4 December 2016

Understanding myself (am I really workaholic?)

(Good morning. I'm not going to work today. My stomach hurts >.< I wrote this post a few days ago.)

Whenever I start thinking about what I really want, why I feel the way I do, and why I do the way I do, I actually start feeling a bit immature lol. It's like it's a shame that I'm more than a quarter of century old yet I don't know everything about myself. But I guess it's fine to be like that, right?

I know 70% of myself lol. 20% is the part of me which is true but I don't believe it or I don't have confidence to believe it, and the 10% is the part of me which I don't really understand.

I am trying to understand myself because I am having difficulty fitting in my own society. It's not only about being socially awkward, which I am. There is something deeper than that. I think I mentioned that in an old post; I keep asking myself if the problem is in me or in the others. Sometimes I end up believing it's the others, and sometimes me. Now I think I can say that the things that helped this situation happen cannot be entirely my fault, or their fault. But I would put the biggest part of the blame on the others lol. *sorry*

It's kind of annoying but I think getting involved in social situations helps me understand myself better. For example, before getting the job, I always thought I am a bit selfish. I thought I was a failure as a social being, with many psychological complexes. However, when I started working and getting to communicate with many different personalities, a lot of things became clear about myself. Enough with being humble lol, honestly I came to realize that most, if not all, people have some kind of psychological complexes. I think their complexes are even worse than mine -.-. I mean, even if I think I have problems with myself, I wouldn't ever try to hurt others to feel better about myself. I am very careful not to hurt anyone, but some of the personalities I met are not like that at all. They are really evil -.- Honestly I do believe I am a good person, and better and less selfish than 99.9% of the people I met in my life lol. Of course, since I got to know people better, I became more confident in who I am. I feel grateful for being able to view many things the way I do right now. Actually a few days ago a person told me that she will never find someone kinder and nicer than me lol. I appreciate her saying that, but I know it's very hard to find someone who is understanding and open-minded in my hometown like me lol.

Anyway, let me talk more about me me me ^-^;; One of the things that I have been called a lot in the past 2 years is workaholic (btw; I actually typed it as alcoholic by mistake lol). I think I've really been working hard in the past 2-3 years but I'm not sure why I've been this way. I don't think it's only about the amount of work assigned to me. I mean, I choose to come early to work, and leave late? It's usually very hectic at my workplace. A few doctors (medical doctors) used to come to my office and go like "wow I can't believe you are busier than us." But it's true T-T Two months would pass by without a single chance to take a break. It's been really hectic for me. I already hated my life so many times. I got back from a long holiday and things aren't as hectic as before, but I feel days are gradually getting more hectic. 

City Cinema - Salalah
I'm a cinema hermit 
I.. remember.. that when I got the job (my first job) I was planning to work for 2 years and then leave to do my higher studies (in Japan particularly). But things didn't go the way I planned T-T (now I almost don't care where I should pursue my higher studies as long as it's far from home and colder than Oman lol). So, I was giving my work everything I have, because I thought I would leave soon. 

I do need to leave. I've already died here and I want to be resurrected in a whole new world ^-^ 

I think another reason why I have been working really hard (or trying to?) is my depressing past lol. I was really diligent ever since 1st grade. I had a dream I worked for but I got very depressed when I was 14. In my final year at high school depression almost knocked me dead. I couldn't study at all. It was like a miracle to me when I became the top student in my class lol. But anyway, I still feel bad that I didn't work hard in my last year at school. I think this is one of the reasons why I'very been trying to keep work too hard.

Honestly I don't think I'm really workaholic. I would prefer to go to the Cinema and watch 3 movies in a row or read a novel and work on my novel ^.^ 

Thursday, 1 December 2016

Sunday, 27 November 2016

Is Luciel Choi (707) actually a real person?

Blogging for pleasure. I feel like talking about an old online friend from South Korea ^-^. I'm going to refer to him as 'Han' here. I think he is 29-30 years old now.
(by me)707 or Luciel Choi
one of the most charming characters of Mystic Messenger

Obviously I am just joking about the title. (whispering to those who do not know what Mystic Messenger is about, it is an Otome game (female oriented game) in the form of a messenger where you can chat with boys (and a girl^^) It's the perfect game for lonely girls lol I wish there was an Arabic version of it. Arab girls do need to have more fun like that;;;) However, I have to say that the personalities of the characters in Mystic Messenger really make me feel like I'm communicating with real people.  It could be that the authors of the story used real life references to develop the personalities of the characters (I'm wondering if Han was a reference XD cuz I feel like I've been a reference for Jaehee without me knowing lol We got the same job and our personalities are quite similar, but you know that I'm not being serious here, right?)  Anyways, Luciel (whose nickname on the mystic messenger is 707)  actually reminds me of an old online friend from South Korea (Han). There is so much in common between 707 and Han. They both joke around a lot and can't stop teasing others. They both are hardcore gamers (and I believe Han can hack like 707 lol) They both are intelligent and well-rounded. They both studied Arabic. They both tend to freak me out sometimes lol. I swear both of them speak in a similar way lol. They both have to stop making sense every now and then XD! If you get to know my old online friend I'm sure that you would think of him the same way as 707. They both give you the same vibes..
Of course they are not completely the same. I can't recall seeing Han with red hair lol.

You see the image posted on the left? That was my attempt to draw Luciel (I drew it during my long holiday; it's said that drawing and painting help you feel better when feeling down?). Luciel is actually catholic and he's wearing a cross on his chest. However, you can see that I didn't draw a cross; I drew the atheism logo lol. That is because Han is atheist >.< Not sure if he was born christian though. 707 always reminds me of him and I couldn't help but convert Luciel to atheism because of Han haha

I haven't played 707 route yet but from what I've already observed, 707 seems to not take religion seriously. I also wonder if 707 knows Taekwondo, because I remember that Han does.

Both 707 and Han keep teasing others all the time. Han's jokes are definitely nastier than 707's jokes lol Han was a very naughty boy (707 is obviously naughty too). He used to tease me all the time, sometimes with really nasty, strange jokes. If you haven't get used to him joking around, you would think that he is a psychopath who just wants to insult others. He actually sounds childish when joking around all the time. One of the things he would say to me is 'autistic.' It is not funny at all but over time I managed to tease him back and tell him to go drink camel milk (they say it's good for autistic kids). He definitely had a negative influence on me lol -.-" He would use some of my jokes sometimes. I really enjoyed chatting with him. 

Han was such an interesting person regardless of his nasty sense of humour and childish behaviour lol. There was something fishy about him too (just like 707?) Just for fun I named my Pink Penguin on Ameba Piggu after him lol. (see photo on the left).
FYI I named the grey hamster after a Chinese online friend lol.
I really miss them T-T

Online friends are the best. Online friends have always been the best and closest friends to me. At the moment I don't have either online nor offline friends. I guess I'm OK with the fictional friends of Mystic Messenger XD but after clearing the game I do have to look for new online friends,,,,,,, cuz I'm dying inside ;'( Ever since I got my current job I haven't spoken to any online friend. When I try to reach them I find that it's not possible any longer (me forgetting passwords, forgetting websites, or some friends getting banned lol, etc). 

Note: I actually wrote this post before playing the 707 route. Now I am on the 6th day of 707 route

Saturday, 19 November 2016

The precious things to me

Are not many. My 1st published novel is definitely one of the most precious things to me. Regardless of what critics think of it, this novel really feels like a child of mine. It depicts a part of me, even if it is full of imagination.

I'm thinking about this matter right now just because I have been asked to 'trust some people'. No need for details, but those people didn't support me getting published. I have heard some really harsh words just because I became a published FEMALE novelist in Oman, and Dhofar in particular.

I've become the first published female novelist in Dhofar and I know where their views came from. Dhofar is a very conservative society where women are actually supposed to wear niqab (covering their faces). You must be thinking that I was born in an extraordinary Dhofari family to post my photo with my face uncovered here in my blog. I don't think my family is any less conservative from the rest of the families (I believe my family is even more conservative than normal lol). However, I had the courage to post it on my blog just because a few photos of me have been circulated on the local newspapers and internet a while ago, so a photo here won't really make a difference.

Back to the point. Even if I understand why some people would have to say very harsh things to me just because I, a female, write fiction, and even though I can still communicate with them normally as if they haven't hurt me before, I think it is really hard for me to trust them when they ask me to. At least I can't trust them fully. Even if they are actually trustworthy, something inside me prevents me from trusting them completely. It is something I feel that I can't really do anything about. It is probably something they gained from what they have done...

Forgiveness? I think I'm done with it lol. At least I let them get it out on me whenever they please. I should now focus more on my future and my own happiness, right?

Being a novelist is an important part of who I am, now and in the future. I am working on becoming a good novelist. I can't believe that totally slipped out of their minds.

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

The Irony in my Life (Part I)

ATTENTION please: You don’t have to take my entire ranting post seriously. It's 'part I' just because I know I will have to talk about this again in the future.

Anyway, it seems to me that a lot of things go against my way of thinking. Examples: 

1.    I hate the opposite sex of females, yet I have to deal with SO MANY of them at work TT_TT Those who know me as a blogger for years know that I've written hundreds of misandric articles in the past lol. They were not really 'anti-men' but I talked about women oppression in my society and how infallible men here think they are. Of course, my writings incited hate against me. I expected that but what I didn’t expect was that I would end up working in a  place where I have to deal with many men TT_TT I am just surprised at how I manage to keep my temper under control lol. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy because of all the people I have to deal with 5 days a week. Anyway, although I do have issues with the men of this society, I can’t deny that my work is very mentally strenuous because I am a very introverted person by nature.  I mean, it’s not only about men. 

Luckily I managed to keep a good reputation at work despite my hidden anti-men sentiments lol -.- 

2.    Ever since my second year at University my thoughts regarding Islamic fundamentalism have been changing till I reached the point where I would disagree with most of the thoughts which were instilled in me as a girl born and raised in this place. Now I feel like I belong to a whole different world (I mean a world that is more… colourful? magical? fantastical? than this boring black and white one?) ANYWAYS, the irony here lies in the fact that I am communicating very closely in my daily life with some seemingly Islamic fundamentalists. What is more ironical is that they are in quite good terms with me. Well I should be grateful for being treated so nicely by those who would normally freak me out… by the very long beards, constant preaching, etc. 

Of course I keep my controversial thoughts to myself in my daily life which is why I am not facing any serious problems, although I wonder how much irony life is still keeping in store for me.

I told you in the previous posts that I am being mentally tormented by being here and now. Now you can figure out more about my actual situation, i guess? 

3.  I am going to share the third point later. 

Saturday, 12 November 2016

Old Photos Disappeared!!!

I think I've deleted all the photos I took when I was in England back in 2011... TT_TT I can't find them!! I'm sure the last time I saw them I was like "why am I still keeping these useless photos?!! It's all in the past that will never happen again. I doubt that my life is this important anyway"... *photos disappeared*

Well I know how I would think and act when I get too depressed haha -.-

Anyway I got to check my old laptops even though I am almost sure that I've deleted them because of my mood swings lol.  I wanted to use a few photos in my blog :'( The photos I took in Australia aren't as good as the ones I took in England *brokenheart* My adventure in the UK was my first experience outside of my country, and I did have a lot of good memories there. I also have to admit that I had a lonely stay in Australia; I traveled there alone and I spent most of my days walking alone by a river.

Thinking about the past, I always tried to believe that my future will be better. I hoped to find better opportunities to do the things I always wanted to do. I still regret letting go of a golden opportunity to do my higher studies in Japan a few years ago. My regrets won't change the past; so I just have to keep searching for more opportunities TT_TT

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Help me choose a Japanese name for myself!

Many Ajams/non-Arabs learning Arabic choose their own Arabic names. So, since I'm studying Japanese, can somebody suggest some Japanese names for me?

I would prefer a name that has a meaning similar to that of my Arabic name.  'Mona' or 'Muna' in Arabic means 'wishes; wishes that cannot be granted.'

I tried searching for a name and I thought of the name 'Mia' but I was told by a native Japanese speaker that name doesn't mean wishes or anything like that.

I think it will take me a lot of time to decide which name to choose lol.

My monation has been critically low in the past few months. During my first long holiday I spent a lot of time revising and studying Japanese and I think I felt better^^ Hope I can keep up my monation , be stronger than before and never give up.


Sunday, 6 November 2016

I want to get a palm reading!!

Can anybody do it for me?

(Yay. Not much work today! ^^)

'Peace of mind'!
Salalah, Dhofar, Sultanate of Oman
This photo was taken in the mountains of Dhofar during summer 2016
Taken by me. The caption on it was also written by me lol. 
It is not like I actually believe in such things (let's only believe in science ok? ^^;) However, sometimes I feel very desperate to know when I will finally manage to live the way I deserve to live. I deserve a certain way of life because I believe in it. Will it take even more yeaaars?!! Is even more patience worth it?? TT_TT I am already 27 and I think my life should have been CONSIDERABLY DIFFERENT ever since I was 20 or 21. It should have changed considerably because my perspective towards life has changed considerably. However, I had to sacrifice my peace of mind for the sake of my security and satisfaction of the people around me. Of course feeling secure can grant you a bit of peace of mind but that is not enough.

I think I am kind of hesitant to use the word 'freedom.' Yep, that is what I am talking about. That is what I want. Obviously I've been refraining from using this word out of fear and precaution lol. Most of the time people here wouldn't think nice of a burqa wearing Arab girl who is calling for freedom.

The little freedom I enjoy here enables me to go the cinema once a week. However, going to the cinema once a week made some people worry that I might be possessed (I mean demon-possessed btw lol). Something that is more than going to the cinema at that rate, would be considered wrong and extremely inappropriate. Actually me going to the cinema is not fully accepted but I JUST CAN'T HELP IT! The Cinema is like my haven in this place.

I am mentally torturing myself by forcing myself to abide by some social/cultural norms. You can't really understand this until you get to go through it. It feels like mental torture to find yourself forced to agree with the others around you all the time just in order to feel safe. It feels like mental torture when you keep forcing yourself to do things you don't believe in for years and years. It feels like you are stuck in a play without an end; it feels like you are not living a real life.

Well my life taught me patience, and I am surprised to know how patient I can be lol.

I am about to deteriorate though;;; 

Enough for today. 

Thursday, 3 November 2016

A person I can open up to.

Such a person does not exist in my life, which is one of the reasons I'm having a really hard time here.

My life is so strange; so unpredictable. I can't believe that I still can't find at least one person I can be friends with. I thought publishing my first novel would encourage my future friends to show up from their hideouts, and contact me but this didn't happen; maybe "those friends" do not exist in my hometown. Simple as that. Maybe I'm just destined to stay all alone in this place. 

I guess I am the one responsible for feeling alienated here, but I just can't help it. There are a lot of people around me but I find it difficult to befriend someone who is very different from me. All of them are way too different from me. I need friends who think like me, who hate the same things I hate and love the same things I love. 

Well it's obvious that I am talking about the differences and similarities in the way we think; in our perspectives to life. 

My life is tough  and I can't tell you what I'm going through explicitly. 

I wish I could say more, but I'm scared. 


Sunday, 8 May 2016

Am I scared of death?

Over the last three-four years I started feeling that I don't fear death like before, but I can't claim that I am not lying to myself unless I tried to get a taste of being at a serious risk of losing my life, right?

Actually it happened that some doctor mixed me up with a patient who had pharyngeal carcinoma. Before knowing that it was just a mistake, I didn't really freak out. I was 25 years old back then. Honestly I would LOOOVE to lose my life as I wouldn't have to struggle anymore, and I wouldn't have to feel guilty when my mother feels sad. I wouldn't have to feel selfish if I stopped worrying about the future of humanity. Etc, etc.

A girl with a unicorn
When I found out that I didn't have cancer and told my family about what happened, they were surprised at how calm and cold I was. The doctor who revealed the mistake to me wasn't any less shocked at my calmness.

I'm not sure why I feel this way today, but it does seem that fear nourishes in our ignorance. I mean, the moment you open a scientific book, and read a bit about death, and you start to realize how nature works when we're dead, you just become more knowledgeable about death, and death less scary than before, , unless mom and dad told you those creepy after life stories when you were little :)

In the end I would like to say that I'm actually scared of pain more than death.


Monday, 7 March 2016

أرحب بالنقد والأسئلة حول روايتي وردة السلطان

مرحباً أيها القراء والكتاب.

أود أن أدعوكم لمشاركتي آراءكم حول روايتي الأولى وردة السلطان. بإمكانكم نشرها هنا أو على بريدي الالكتروني:

كما يعلم البعض منكم، قمت بتأليف رواية وردة السلطان ما بين عام 2009 وعام 2010. آن ذاك كنت أبلغ من العمر 19-20 عاماً. لم أكن أخطط لكتابة رواية فقد جاءت وردة السلطان من تلقاء نفسها. وجدت نفسي أكتبها. هكذا بمنتهى البساطة.

ما أتذكره هو أني استمتعت كثيراً بكتابتها. كنت بالدرجة الأولى أرضي رغبة شخصية عاطفية بلا وعي. أبسط مثال هو السفرات التي قامت بها شيماء بطلة الرواية. ذهبت شيماء إلى أمريكا، ولندن، وكذلك كوريا الجنوبية. لم أحظ بفرصة للسفر خارج عُمان قبل الانتهاء من كتابة الرواية :)

نشرت روايتي وردة السلطان وأنا في منتصف العشرينات. بصراحة كان يهمني أن أبقي على ملامح المرحلة العمرية التي أنجزت فيها هذه الرواية. قمت بتصميم غلاف الكتاب الوردي والبسيط بنفسي لأحقق ذلك الغرض بالتحديد.

أشكر من قرأ روايتي. وأنتظر آراءكم ونقدكم. أرجو ألا تبخلوا علي بكل ذلك فأنا متيقنة بأني سأستفيد من تعليقاتكم!

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Muscat International Book Fair - 2016

You can find my 1st novel in the corner of Arab Diffusion Company (R05-R06). I'll be around in Muscat International Book Fair on Thursday, 03/March/2016.

Since I wrote this novel when I was 19, I feel like I brought a piece of the past along with me to the future. Part of the younger me has been eternized :) It's not exactly a wonderful feeling but I think it's kind of interesting, to me :)

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Sometimes I feel Earth!

Attention please: You don't have to take every word I say here seriously, but I have to say that I'm writing this post after getting disappointed by someone I've considered a half-friend (so eventually I wasn't really disappointed).

I wonder if Earth doesn't feel like it belongs to the Milky Way because aside from the stupid lifeless planets aimlessly orbiting around the sun, there isn't any planet that seems to resemble earth to an extent where she (Earth) can believe that she is not alone. I feel like Earth.

I hate to say this but so many times I feel like I don't belong any where. I feel like this probably because I still don't have anyone who is fine with everything about me, the way I feel, the way I think (and the way I look? Nazis hate me for sure!)

If that's the case then it is just a matter of time; when I find someone I can talk to like a true friend,  I will start feeling that I belong to Oman, or specifically Dhofar. However, it seems like it is a matter of luck as well. My life may come to an end before meeting that one person I really need to meet.
Solar System

OMG, am I being too honest here?

What I feel is that I don't fit in my society because of my perspectives on life and my way of thinking in general. There is a big difference... a really big difference, but I choose to oppress my own identity and personal opinions in order to live in peace. In other words, my standards and principles seem to be completely different from the norms where I live. Apparently I am not an Alien, but y'know, my priorities differ from theirs. My views on key matters are different. *hearing an inner voice teasing me and telling me to be honest and just spit it out* I can give examples but I don't want to be too harsh on the place where I was born and raised. I'm sure you can detect some examples in the coming posts.

Anyway, so I don't feel like I belong here, but at the same time, I'm afraid that if I moved to a place that will give me the chance to be more like myself, I wouldn't be liked. I would be discriminated and oppressed for other reasons. I doubt Nazis would like me :'(

I have to say that I'm having a really hard time right here and right now.  Not only does the whole situation not sound right, there are some people inside my life who are just too annoying (cruel, hypocritical, inconsiderate, unkind, etc). Some of them are 'malicious'! That word isn't too much for them. I simply hate the whole situation I'm in for simply so many things.

Even if Nazis and the other racial supremacists liked me, I wonder if I would make friends and love the place. I'm saying that I'm aware that the problem could be in me, not in the time and place.

I doubt that though ;p