Sunday, 8 May 2016

Am I scared of death?

Over the last three-four years I started feeling that I don't fear death like before, but I can't claim that I am not lying to myself unless I tried to get a taste of being at a serious risk of losing my life, right?

Actually it happened that some doctor mixed me up with a patient who had pharyngeal carcinoma. Before knowing that it was just a mistake, I didn't really freak out. I was 25 years old back then. Honestly I would LOOOVE to lose my life as I wouldn't have to struggle anymore, and I wouldn't have to feel guilty when my mother feels sad. I wouldn't have to feel selfish if I stopped worrying about the future of humanity. Etc, etc.

A girl with a unicorn
When I found out that I didn't have cancer and told my family about what happened, they were surprised at how calm and cold I was. The doctor who revealed the mistake to me wasn't any less shocked at my calmness.

I'm not sure why I feel this way today, but it does seem that fear nourishes in our ignorance. I mean, the moment you open a scientific book, and read a bit about death, and you start to realize how nature works when we're dead, you just become more knowledgeable about death, and death less scary than before, , unless mom and dad told you those creepy after life stories when you were little :)

In the end I would like to say that I'm actually scared of pain more than death.