Understanding myself (am I really workaholic?)

(Good morning. I'm not going to work today. My stomach hurts >.< I wrote this post a few days ago.)

Whenever I start thinking about what I really want, why I feel the way I do, and why I do the way I do, I actually start feeling a bit immature lol. It's like it's a shame that I'm more than a quarter of century old yet I don't know everything about myself. But I guess it's fine to be like that, right?

I know 70% of myself lol. 20% is the part of me which is true but I don't believe it or I don't have confidence to believe it, and the 10% is the part of me which I don't really understand.

I am trying to understand myself because I am having difficulty fitting in my own society. It's not only about being socially awkward, which I am. There is something deeper than that. I think I mentioned that in an old post; I keep asking myself if the problem is in me or in the others. Sometimes I end up believing it's the others, and sometimes me. Now I think I can say that the things that helped this situation happen cannot be entirely my fault, or their fault. But I would put the biggest part of the blame on the others lol. *sorry*

It's kind of annoying but I think getting involved in social situations helps me understand myself better. For example, before getting the job, I always thought I am a bit selfish. I thought I was a failure as a social being, with many psychological complexes. However, when I started working and getting to communicate with many different personalities, a lot of things became clear about myself. Enough with being humble lol, honestly I came to realize that most, if not all, people have some kind of psychological complexes. I think their complexes are even worse than mine -.-. I mean, even if I think I have problems with myself, I wouldn't ever try to hurt others to feel better about myself. I am very careful not to hurt anyone, but some of the personalities I met are not like that at all. They are really evil -.- Honestly I do believe I am a good person, and better and less selfish than 99.9% of the people I met in my life lol. Of course, since I got to know people better, I became more confident in who I am. I feel grateful for being able to view many things the way I do right now. Actually a few days ago a person told me that she will never find someone kinder and nicer than me lol. I appreciate her saying that, but I know it's very hard to find someone who is understanding and open-minded in my hometown like me lol.

Anyway, let me talk more about me me me ^-^;; One of the things that I have been called a lot in the past 2 years is workaholic (btw; I actually typed it as alcoholic by mistake lol). I think I've really been working hard in the past 2-3 years but I'm not sure why I've been this way. I don't think it's only about the amount of work assigned to me. I mean, I choose to come early to work, and leave late? It's usually very hectic at my workplace. A few doctors (medical doctors) used to come to my office and go like "wow I can't believe you are busier than us." But it's true T-T Two months would pass by without a single chance to take a break. It's been really hectic for me. I already hated my life so many times. I got back from a long holiday and things aren't as hectic as before, but I feel days are gradually getting more hectic. 

City Cinema - Salalah
I'm a cinema hermit 

I.. remember.. that when I got the job (my first job) I was planning to work for 2 years and then leave to do my higher studies (in Japan particularly). But things didn't go the way I planned T-T (now I almost don't care where I should pursue my higher studies as long as it's far from home and colder than Oman lol). So, I was giving my work everything I have, because I thought I would leave soon. 

I do need to leave. I've already died here and I want to be resurrected in a whole new world ^-^ 

I think another reason why I have been working really hard (or trying to?) is my depressing past lol. I was really diligent ever since 1st grade. I had a dream I worked for but I got very depressed when I was 14. In my final year at high school depression almost knocked me dead. I couldn't study at all. It was like a miracle to me when I became the top student in my class lol. But anyway, I still feel bad that I didn't work hard in my last year at school. I think this is one of the reasons why I'very been trying to keep work too hard.

Honestly I don't think I'm really workaholic. I would prefer to go to the Cinema and watch 3 movies in a row or read a novel and work on my novel ^.^